Club Insanity

I can't sleep
and there are monsters
at my window
and a spider in my bath
I want to put on
my shoes and run
away from this
insomnia
and I just earned
my membership card
in club insanity

Shoes

I put my prettiest shoes on,
tonight I want to dance.
I take my time in the bath,
making myself beautiful.
The shoes are shined,
and looking at me
from the corner of the room.
I can't wait for you to come,
take me by the hand.
I am glowing like a star.
All ready I sit down
on a chair to wait,
smiling to myself,
soon I know I'll be dancing.

Insomnia II

I doubt my sanity
I doubt my reality
I put my head down to rest
but thoughts are running
through my head
I scream at them
to slow down
to let me sleep
but insomnia has
taken me
is hugging me
singing it's crazy
lullabies to me

Insomnia

I want what you have
but will not give me
I am no longer myself
but masked
in layers of
medications.
Your life is good
but I can't sleep.
I am drained empty
no more life
no more passion
just the same after
the same after
the same
Someone rescue me,
someone take me by the hand
show me where is life
So many years wasted
and still no light
let me sleep.

16/09/10

I don't miss God

I don't miss God
but I do miss innocence
those years spent
wanting
dreaming
hoping
I want them all back

I don't miss God
but I do miss innocence
years yearning
for adulthood
making bad choices
I want them all back

I don't miss God
but I do miss innocence,
before the first blood
before the first cut in
my virginal white skin
I want it all back

I don't miss God
but I do miss innocence
before time mattered
and the hardest thing
was homework
I want it all back

I want God to put it right
what he got so wrong
leaving me here alone
I want my innocence
I want my life
I want it all back

Shinemyrtle

Loneliness

Walking through town she feels like an ethereal being,
like she is floating through the world,
that she can see it but not be a part of it.
She knows no one and there is no one she wants to know.
Her own little world that she created for herself,
it is enough for her.
She is deeply lonely but she is used to it,
and rather lonely than rejected.
The world is such a beautiful place,
but she feels that she will have to give up
to much of herself to be a part of it,
and that she is not ready for yet.
Maybe one day she will enter into the world, and see it differently.
Only those closest to her is of consequence to her,
for them she will lay down her life.
It was her love that drew her to this place,
she can never regret her love and never blame him
for being trapped in a bubble that is impenetrable to anyone else.
When in fact she does want the peace of being alone,
and the love of her man above all else.

Nine Inch Nails - Every Day Is Exactly The Same

Johnny Cash Hurt

Untitled 4

The snow is falling
from a clear blue sky;
The sun is shining
through the clouds;
Making a ladder
to the heavens;
Where the Gods play
with the Godesses;
So leave us alone
for the day.

Shinemyrtle

pictures

What is BPD, the facts

http://www.bpdworld.org/what-is-bpd

Caterpillar

I crawl on the nasturtium leaves,
day after day after day,
the same fucking thing,
until I hide away and
could easily die.
Watch me grow butterfly wings.

Shinemyrtle

BPD

See me from a distance
I won't seem any
difference from you.
You wonder, is it true
am I faking it.
Come close up,
you might feel it,
you might hear it.
But still you will not
see it.
If I don't let you.

Shinemyrtle

A Picture of Me

So many of me;
Yet none at all;
Confusing the self.
The mirror shows
Nothing but colours;
Randomly put
Together.

Shinemyrtle

puzzle

I'm disappointed,
but it was your choice to take.
The puzzle allows,
what do they know,
the memory will come,
grass tickling feet.

Shinemyrtle

Borderline Personality Disorder

If you want to see what it's like, and have it explained to you better than I ever can, I suggest you go into my profile and watch the audio clip.

Ode to Lorazepam

I choose life
as long as the
Lorazepam works
as a substitute for
not being around.
It let's me float away,
and see the sky,
as blue as can be.

Shinemyrtle

No Wings to Carry Me Away

There are no wings to carry me away.
The Gods do not seem to want me,
yet they will not reveal my purpose.
As I wander aimlessly about the earth.
Trying to make my own way,
with paints and words, as though they
are my only constant companions.
I see beauty fleetingly, in the sun,
peeking through the crack in my blinds.

I keep the blinds down and the shadow in,
maybe I'll melt in the sunshine if
there is too much warmth and light.
So I'm stuck here living hour by hour,
wondering seriously why.
There must be a reason, some purpose,
I have done my duty to humanity
saved lives, given birth, comforted.
Yet there are no wings to carry me away.

Shinemyrtle

A home

Every brick to build
a house, a home.
Filled with crap,
every home has
it's own shit.

Shinemyrtle

I know your face

I know your face from somewhere
It will come to me
Do you come here often
Burning the midnight oil

I know your face
Please remind me
Where we in hospital together
Or were we clubbing

Do you go to the library
Your face is in my head
If only I could remember why
Your smell is familiar too

I know your face, where it's from
I remember where I met you
I remember the violation
When you took me without consent

You showed me the true worth
Of me and my body
Good enough to fuck,
But not enough to love.
However you didn't beat me yet,
I am still here and I'm not scared


Shinemyrtle

Silkweb

He may be there when you wake up,
but I doubt it very much.
You were spinning yourself a
silkweb hoping to catch him.
Maybe next time.

Untitled 3

The hands in the walls
are closing in on me
again.
Trying to touch, grabbing at me.
It's no longer cute,
and no longer funny.
I have to run before
the walls close in on me
again.

Shinemyrtle

Untitled 2

You have no salvation
You have no hope
You have no redemption
You're the one who is going
to tell me how to save me
Show me how to have hope
Show me my redemption
I'll overcome my own addiction

shinemyrtle

Untitled

I touch myself
to fall asleep,
there is no one here
to see.
I'll be my own lover,
and my own best friend.
I can forget everything
in the blur of the night.
Making time go past
for another day to follow.
Waiting for your words,
waiting for your letters,
waiting for your touch.
Anticipating your lovemaking.
I want a little too much of
everything.

Shinemyrtle

Tell Me

Don't tell me what I should do;
show me, guide me, how to be
a part of this world.
Chase the devil away, make the
grey fog disappear.
I want to see clearly,
be free to do all the things you do.
I scream and shout, but
nothing works.
I laugh out loud, and chat
online.
My keys don't fit,
I am in the wrong world.

Shinemyrtle

Somebody Saved Me

Somebody saved my life last night,
I was standing on the edge of the abyss.
Looking down into a cold, dirty river,
screaming,
he was the only one that heard my voice.
I never will thank him,
I wish he had let me go.

Shinemyrtle

Rain on Your Face

I see you standing there
in the rain.
Your face is wet and
your hair is dripping,
are you crying girl?
Hush baby, it's going to
be ok.
We'll put the pieces of your
life back together.
Just take me by the hand,
and you'll see,
there is nothing we can't mend.
Just keep trying.

Shinemyrtle

Some Days

Some days I am just waiting,
some days I feel I've come home,
some days I am floundering,
some days I swear I am drowning.

Some days I want to be rescued,
some days I can stand on my own two feet,
some days I sleep to escape,
Some days are just beautiful.

Some days I love you desperately,
some days I want to run away,
I always wish I was good for you,
but mostly I wish I could just be.

Shinemyrtle

Purified

I let my soul fly away
and the river run through
my heart.
My soul returns purified,
dreaming of you.

Shinemyrtle

Norwegian Winter

Like a million stars
trapped in the snow,
under a deep royal blue
velvet sky.
The incredible magic of
the Norwegian winter.
You can see the road to the
Goddess' house in the sky.
A green glowing path with
stars scattered like flowers
in her garden.

Shinemyrtle

No More

No more tired
No more sad
No more drowning
No more anything

Shinemyrtle

Life

Sometimes I see my life like
the dregs of a glass after a party.
Was it good or was it lame,
How can I tell and how can I turn it around?
You found another girl and
got off with her in the bathroom,
I'm stuck here with the geezer
who is trying to impress.

If I drink enough, maybe I'll
do something to be remembered.
If I drink enough, maybe I'll
forget this night altogether.
I look at the dregs at the bottom
of this glass, as if it is my life.
I don't like what I see.

So I'll fill it up again and try again,
hoping for a better ending next time.
Baby, with you, I dance in the dark,
learning new steps all the way.
Without you I fall apart.

Shinemyrtle

Delusions or lies

All the ladies want a piece of you,
I think you are mine, but I
can never know.
When they are around you,
you forget all about me.
You like to make believe,
and you say all my anger
is unjustified – I can't leave.
Am I the one with the delusions,
or are you telling lies...

Shinemyrtle

Baby I see the Pain

Baby I see the pain,
I see the pain in your eyes,
when you look at me.
You know I am hurting,
you know so much,
so much more than
you should.
I see the pain in your eyes,
I'm willing you to look away,
to let yourself be distracted.
Please forget my pain.
I see my pain multiplied,
when I look in your eyes.
I see my pain in your eyes,
where you try to take it on,
as you try to rescue me.
Swim away, swim ashore, baby,
before you drown.

Shinemyrtle